Not Kosher For Passover

Not endorsed by Jewish Cardiologists.  Unholy Hand Grenades cooked in Stone Smoked Porter

Not endorsed by Jewish Cardiologists. Unholy Hand Grenades cooked in Stone Smoked Porter

I said it wasn’t Kosher for Passover, didn’t I?

Hello, my name is The Alemonger and I’m an irreverence addict.

Group response: “welcome, The Alemonger.  You have a great name.  Actually, it’s ridiculous but we’re supposed to make newcomers feel welcomed and comfortable so we say things we don’t really mean.  And we say them in unison.”

So what’s an irreverent Jew to do on Passover? Posting a picture of my Unholy Hand Grenades seemed a bit less problematic than actually making them for tonight’s Seder.  The heathens are coming over for the second Seder tomorrow night so I’ll wait 24 hours.  The extra day won’t kill me.  Better not, because if I go before I hit the reset button next Yom Kippur I’ve got less of chance of getting to Heaven than FGCU has of getting to the Final Four.  Hmm… Then again, maybe my chances are a bit better than I suspect.  For the record, an unnamed brother specifically asked me to make Unholy Hand Grenades (matzo balls cooked in Stone Smoked Porter and wrapped in bacon) for tonight’s Seder but I declined.

What's that smell??

SHOW US YOUR FINS!!

I also declined – no, refused – to serve Gefilte Fish.  That oily conglomerate of congealed “fish” loaf is possessed of a highly toxic and fetid stench.  No wonder we aren’t making enough Jewish babies.  The contact odor alone is enough to defeat even the most amorous of intentions.  And another thing: where are its fins? Yeah, yeah, yeah (not The Beatles version), straight to Hell.  I know.

What’s a Passover Seder without a traditional brisket and recitation of the 10 Plagues? Over the past several years it occurred to me that both the brisket and the plagues needed a little spicing up – one literally.  As for the plagues, well, let’s face it, they need a serious overhaul.  It is 5773 after all and frogs just aren’t all that relevant a plague these days.  More on that later.  Back to the brisket…

I didn’t exactly grow up in a house of cooks and I’ve yet to watch a real live Bubbie prepare a traditional brisket so I walk into the valley of stainless steel Vikings already lead by temptations no self-respecting Jewish cook would entertain.  I’m not out to win this season’s Food Network Top Chef so I’ll spare you the full recipe.  Suffice it to say that it’ll get my Rabbi’s attention – and not in a good way.  Mind you, I did use a healthy amount of Israeli cumin in the dry rub but the fact alone that I used dry rub at all is strike one.  Strike two is the coffee.  Howard Schultz, Starbucks President himself, wouldn’t even carve a brisket rubbed with their own Ethiopian Sidamo (neither will I – I used Peet’s Major Dickason’s but that’s besides the point).

I go down swinging with strike three by using Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout in my braising base.  You knew craft beer had to make an appearance somewhere.  Oddly (though not at all for anyone who knows me), I’ll use beer in the recipe but I won’t actually drink it at the Passover table.  Life is full of gerrymandered lines, rationalizations, and uncommon sense.  Remains to be seen if the line between beer and the Passover table will extend to the couch later in the evening.  In any event, I figure that actually cooking the brisket in beer – even a world class stout from America’s Torah Belt – is enough all by itself to assure me a long wait for that ferry across the Styx.  Maybe I can bribe Charon with a fresh Sculpin or two to show up a little early.

About those plagues…

I get it.  Back in the days when Charlton Heston’s ancestor was President of the NSA and defying Pharoah to take his slingshot from his cold dead hand, boils and frogs were probably legitimate plague-worthy inflictions.  Not so much anymore.  Slaying of the first born would still qualify as a top ten plague today but seems to me a bit extreme these days so let’s bench that one for a while.  The time has come to refresh the plagues.  Make them relevant again.

Thou Shalt Revise Thine Plagues

Thou Shalt Revise Thine Plagues

I propose we dip our pinky fingers into the Manischewitz for these Ten Plagues we can really get behind:

  1. Dial-up Internet Access
  2. The Honey Boo-Boo and it’s Posse
  3. Obamacare
  4. Bad Chinese Food
  5. The Twilight Werewolf Guy’s Pecs
  6. D List Reality TV (Duck Dynasty & Dancing With the Stars)
  7. Big Beer Pharoahs (ABInbev & MillerCoors)
  8. LiLo
  9. Weak 4G Cellular Coverage
  10. Chick Fil-A Closed on Sundays

Not a perfect list of modern plagues, I know.  I expect I’ll be criticized for leaving standard definition TV off the list but that’s not as egregious as the NCAA Tourney Committee’s giving Oregon a 12 seed.

Here’s to a Happy (and possibly Hoppy) Passover! I’d love to hear your suggestions for irreverent celebrations.  Let me know what you’re doing to stir things up while hiding the Afikoman.

L’Chaim!

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7 thoughts on “Not Kosher For Passover

  1. I can’t speak to any of this since although I live in a town with as many Synagogues as you have family rooms, I am not a member of The Tribe. I did attend one Seder though. I ate Your People’s Gefilte fish, and I partook of your Chicken Liver dish. Twas positively delightful! Does that make me more Jew than you???

    One last thing….

    Unholy Hand Grenades are Da’Bomb!

    See you in Hell. First round is on me! Hope you like Natty Light.

    • Now I know why I never replied….

      I was passed out after reading the combination of letters that resulted in that other astoundingly heinous “dish” so popular with my people – the ones without a sense of smell or common. Chopped Liver?!?!?!?! Outright horrific in every way. Not so sure the addition of diced onions makes a difference – in fact – they might dilute the stench.

      I’m glad you enjoy the Unholies – hard not to, but I fear for your gastronomic soul nonetheless.

      And if Natty Light is the only brew on tap down there I’ll finally start fitting into my 80s jeggings.

  2. Those Unholy Hand Grenades are an awesome idea. Also, for a long time, I have been meaning to try gefilte fish. Eating them seems almost like a dare. And, as always, I appreciate the irreverent, short attention span, tangent-filled writing (which I aspire to).

    • Tell that to my cardiologist – he’s not a big fan. As for the Gefilte Fish, if you go there you’re doing so with your eyes open (and that a lot safer than going in with your mouth that way – believe me). Glad you like the lunacy and digressions. If not for a string of outlandish tangents every now and then I’d never get through the day.

      Thanks for popping in. Cheers!

  3. Tell that to my cardiologist – he’s not a big fan. As for the Gefilte Fish, if you go there you’re doing so with your eyes open (and that a lot safer than going in with your mouth that way – believe me). Glad you like the lunacy and digressions. If not for a string of outlandish tangents every now and then I’d never get through the day.

    Thanks for popping in. Cheers!

  4. As bad as gefilte fish can be, it’s the bitter herbs that will really get you. I was at a Seder once where we had horseradish, which acts as a vasodilator. My friend ate the whole portion at once, his face went pale, and he passed out.

    • And they said our foods were boring (though a week old latke could do some damage as a Jewish throwing star). One of my buddies did something similar the first time he had sushi. He learned very quickly that the green paste wasn’t a form of Japanese intermezzo.

      Thanks for popping in!

      Cheers!

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