What with all the hubbub surrounding the NSA leaker Snowden and his impersonation of a refuse barge adrift at sea with no taker or safe harbor I thought it might be good time to publish some equally sensitive and potentially embarrassing information regarding a couple of Big Beer’s black bag projects. I’ve known about them for a few months but been hesitant to reveal anything for fear of reprisals from the corporate goons of ABInBev and MillerCoors. But before I expose their plans and enter the craft beer bloggers protection program I want to get back to this Snowden idiot for a second. How screwed is this guy? He’s being hunted by multiple U.S. intelligence agencies and even Putin, Chaves, and Kim Jong-un won’t grant him refuge. Unless Jason Bourne is his BFF, he’s going to end up living out whatever days he has left hiding in some remote shack in the Andes hoping not to be eaten by descendants of the Uruguayan soccer team that crashed in 1972.
So, back to the Big Beer secret projects. Not long ago, MillerCoors held their annual distributors convention in Orlando. As you’d expect, lots of glitz, glamour, showmanship, charts, and puffery (i.e. lies) regarding how well the business is doing and confident predictions of a bright future. Nothing salacious, exciting, or remotely interesting there. Kind of like their beer. Anyway, it seems the real action was taking place behind the curtain. Late on the second day of the convention there were rumors of Carlos Brito sightings throughout Epcot and the Magic Kingdom. Odd. Why would ABInBev’s CEO be anywhere near a major convention held by his chief rival? The rumors had to be simple cases of mistaken identity. After all, he does bear a striking resemblance to Maleficent, Disney’s reigning queen of evil deeds (in action, that is). Well, the rumors turned out to be true. Carlos Brito really was there and so was his CFO and a handful of other top ABInBev marketing and operations execs. Something was up.
A warren of interconnecting tunnels and underground facilities – practically an entire subterranean metropolis – underlies Disney World. A perfect setting for alighting well concealed spies to discover all manner of planned and nefarious subterfuge. Just a quick scan of the event schedule revealed an odd reservation. A private Disney character breakfast had been reserved in the Magic Kingdom’s Crystal Palace for 3:00 in the afternoon of the second day of the convention. A late afternoon breakfast was strange enough but stranger still was the fact that the parties on the reservation were blocked. The guest notation only revealed that 24 would attend. Nothing else on the schedule looked out of the ordinary so it seemed as if something special, something unpublicized and unspoken might take place over late afternoon home fries, bacon, and pancakes with Cinderella and her princess clique.
What better way to infiltrate the breakfast and gather intelligence than to plant a listening device and what better listening device than something with huge ears that doesn’t stand out? Something like this:
Not that! This:
That’s it. A hidden Mickey. They appear in all sizes, textures, and colors down there and are far more ubiquitous than Abe Vigoda. Micky Mouse himself might have done a fine job but the princesses tend to get a bit skittish around rodents, especially extremely large ones like these:
Mickey and Minnie better take the day off or take cover if Cary Elwes ever walks through the gates of the Magic Kingdom. Anyway, with a little help from Ariel, a listening device in the shape of a hidden Mickey was planted near the desert table in the Crystal Palace just before the group was
scheduled to arrive. Soon enough, she relayed via text that the players were streaming in and it was, indeed, a cast of Big Beer characters rivaling the gown-festooned starlets clearing their plates and refilling their glasses. A who’s who of global ABInBev & MillerCoors execs from the C Suites including marketing and R & D honchos. Arch rivals breaking bread and tonging bacon? After an hour or so of small talk and one up-manship regarding the size of bribes one another handed out to secure prime spots at the front of every line in the park they got down to the business that brought them together for this secret summit. Not surprisingly, craft beer was very much on all of their minds. A full transcript of the meeting would be too lengthy to post here (anyway, Julian Asange might take exception to my doing that and I don’t want to risk his exposing my recipes for Unholy Hand Grenades or Schlomo Kameamea’s Sliders so I’m only going to publish an excerpt here. If I pass under his radar I’ll post more excerpts later on). Because Ariel and the rest of the princesses were asked to leave the room before they got to the serious stuff it’s impossible to always identify who’s talking so speakers are often only identified by company where possible.
Transcript of the Swillionaires Summit
Unidentified MillerCoors Exec (MC): Good luck with that. I saw you strike out with Aurora and Jasmin. Your Adam Sandler schtick is priceless – and dateless.
Carlos Brito (Brito): Alright. Enough of that. We need to deal with this craft bullshit once and for all. We like our Shock Top numbers and Black Crown is right there but I know they’re crap and I think we all see the same thing. Your Third Shift and Batch 15 imposter (cut off)
MC: Batch Nineteen!
Brito: Whatever. It’s crap – they’re all crap and we have to acknowledge that too many beer drinkers outside of this room know it too. More and more every day. We’re not fooling them anymore with the glitzy packaging, knock-off craft labels and nonsense commercials.
MC: Agreed. I guess we knew the party had to end. We’ve crammed so much cheap shit into our top line beers that they might as well all be Natty Light. We thought we’d regain some market share with our punch top can but the high school kids would rather jam a pen into a can of Keystone and get the same effect for less money. Probably smarter than all of us because it tastes just as bad anyway.
Unidentified ABInBev Exec (AB): Our bowtie can is iconic and masterful. You guys went in the wrong direction with yours.
Brito: Let’s not not go there. We were way over budget with that fool’s errand and it’ll do little more than slow the obvious trend. Look. We’re losing. The craft segment has gained steadily and impressively every year since at least ’02 and we have to change course or end up remembered as the brewing equivalents of Ratt or Winger.
MC: Or Haircut 100
Unidentified: What’s wrong with them?
Brito: We’ve tried everything. Worked the Statehouses and DC, choked micro distribution and shelf space, bought into some of crafts, acquired Goose Island, and launched a more aggressive knock-off campaign
MC: The craft segment calls it “crafty”. Kind of works
Brito: Well it doesn’t f’n kind of work for our bottom line or your’s either! You’ve seen the same numbers and focus data we have. They want real flavor – good flavor. They don’t want bland factory beer anymore. We’ve lost the narrative and we’re going to lose more than that. We’re here to brainstorm new, bold ideas so let’s hear them!
MC: OK, we’ve had a small group in Promotions looking at potential co-sponsorship opportunities, Strategic alliances between brands and external consumer goods and services. Through relational database analysis we’ve identified a strong correlation between our bargain brand drinkers and arrests. We think a potential value proposition for that customer would be to offer discount bail bond coupons with every volume format purchase like our 30 pack. Perhaps a punch card which could be presented at checkout allowing buyers to accumulate points towards a bail coupon. Something like the free latte customer cards at Starbucks.
AB: (unintelligable)…. I can only imaging the legal and regulatory BS that kind of concept would entail. The revenue limiting divisions … compliance and legal and governmental relations will have a field day. We’re greasing the pols but not richly enough to make that kind of thing fly.
MC (possibly CEO Tom Long or high ranking exec): We’re among friends…for now…so I’ll tell you what we’ve had in R&D for several months. We’ve been trying to mimic them for years with our knock-off lines while we should be mimicking their model.
Brito: We’re both much too big for that and you know it.
MC: Yes but here’s where we use our size and resources to finally beat them at their own game. They love to pal around with one another and do these ridiculous collaboration brews. Seems they don’t understand the concept of competition. If we combined forces we could brew a collaboration beer to end all beers.
AB: (unintelligible murmurs)…. and that’s exactly what it might do to both of us. What are you suggesting? We brew something that combines the cheap beer factory flavors already leading to our huge losses? Insanity.
MC: No. We mimic another of their pet brewing concepts and brew something that will revolutionize not just a beer style but will change the way consumers shop for beer in the retail stores while diverting their attention away from all of the craft competition.
Brito: We thought we did that with Strawb-A-Rita. Go on.
MC: Even more elegant. We brew a “tripel imperial light beer.” The craft segment would bottle imperial water – a wetter version – if they could. Why not take a page out of their pet project books and brew a beer so light…so massively light…that it actually floats?!
AB: What the f… are you talking about? Do you have one of those on-line degree diplomas tacked to your cubicle particle board?
MC: Hear me out. We’ve done some preliminary due diligence and we’re moving along with a proof of concept. It can be done. The beer will be light enough to make the cans float to the ceilings of the retail outlets. Imagine going to the local Costco or BevMo to shop for your beer with a long net or grappling hook? The hell with those shelves of craft beer – nobody will be looking at them. They’ll all be staring straight up. The promotional opportunities are endless.
Unidentified: Um… outside events…picnics whatever….airplanes….mylar balloons get the Greenpeace PETA activists all worked up as it is. Pretty sure stray six packs in the glide paths of a few planes won’t go unnoticed.
AB: What about thick lead cans or even lead pellets? We could set up Chinese factories to brew and can it.
MC: That defeats the whole purpose! Anyway, we’ve got the brewery angle covered too. Even our (and your) best and biggest beer factories aren’t capable of creating something like this. Only one facility in the world can do it. The large hadron super collider at Cern. It’s off line for a couple years now anyhow so we offer to lease it. They need the money. There’s no market for God particles these days anyway. Straightforward process. We load Miller light into one end and Bud Light into the other and flip the switch. They collide at near light speed and Eureka! Higgs-Boson Light!!
Brito: You’re right. It’ll be a beer to end all beers….and everything else!
MC: Wait…wait. Think of the myriad of revenue opportunities aside from the beer itself. That Cern place is HUGE! We could fit out a section of it as a hotel – a Beer & Breakfast. Multiple lounges and themed bars. The Americans come to Germany in droves to see their Bimmers and Benzes being built and take delivery. We can offer them the same thrilling experience!!
Brito: Let’s break. This is outrageous. I need a beer right now. Someone tell Cinderella to go off site and get me something. There are no decent beers in Disney….
Seems Big Beer has big plans for a very big brewery. The next Bud branded floating thing you see up there might not be this thing:
Cheers! (now I’m off to the Snowden Circuit)……
Triple Imperial Light Beer! You might be on to something…
Don’t give me any credit. I’m just reporting what my craft beer spy network uncovered.
If things go sour, the Sovereign Nation of Literature and Libation would be happy to offer you beer-asylum.
Your Peoples and lands are most kind and welcoming!